Dating Mystery (Continued... for the third time.)

[HOLD IT! Before you read what's in store, have you read the first few parts leading up to this amazing entry? No? It's cool I've got you covered. Here's part one: Dating Mystery. You've read that one? Alright, here's part two: Dating Mystery (Continued...). Finish that one? That's terrific! Here's part three: Dating Mystery (Continued... again.). Once you're all caught up, you may progress to the portion below.] 

As Guy looked up at Manny, he seemed a bit confused. Of course, he had every reason to question his surroundings, the last thing he saw was the paint on my apartment door. Aside from that, he was knocked unconscious and was rudely awakened by a man he didn't recognize.

Gaining his composure, Guy rubbed the back of his neck and sat up on the couch. Meanwhile, Manny and I were observing his behavior. Manny had taken it upon himself to sit on my coffee table, closer to Guy. He had his legs slightly spread, elbows on his knees, hands together, and exhibited an entertained countenance. I, on the other hand, was standing at the end of the couch trying not to be annoyed with the men in my living room.

"What happened?" The question was directed at me, but Guy was looking between Manny and I both.

"What do you remember?"

I asked this because in my experience, the less he knew the easier it was to avoid a lawsuit. And Lord knows I despise lawyers. 

"Well," he said, "I had just knocked on your door for our date when… OUR DATE!!" Aw.. the poor soul can't complete a thought before he moves on to something else. "Oh my gosh! I'm so sorry, Myss! Did we miss the wedding? Why aren't you dressed?" 

At this, Manny looked pleasantly surprised. I could see the wheels of curiosity spinning behind his eyes. 'Wedding? Who's wedding?' 'Myss? Did she liked being called that? Or would it be a fun button to push...?' I saw more and more questions forming in his mind, mainly because he was staring right at me with that annoying smirk of his.

"It's, uh, in progress.. We can still make it to the reception in about an hour. And my attire is circumstantial. I changed to get you inside. I couldn't very well drag you in here and risk putting any strain on my dress or shoes."

"You dragged me in here? By yourself?" He was looking at Manny with uncertainty as he asked this. Manny was still smirking at me. "Oh, huh huh, noo," he chuckled, and turned a glare to Guy, "I brought you in here. Tell me something, does your brain really come up with the least likely scenario before someone tells you something obvious? Or do you do that on purpose?" 

Guy looked like he was in shock. The numskull was helpless to the situation and was gazing at me for  some kind of escape."Manny, shut up. Guy, this is Manny, he's annoying and you and I are late. I'll change and we can go."

He sat more comfortably in the chair, yet he was still uneasy. Like a child waiting outside the door of the principal's office, he sat straight up with his hands in his lap. I didn't want to leave him with Manny, but I didn't have a choice. I couldn't  have him wait outside.

As quickly as I could manage, I ran into my bedroom, threw off the clothes I had on and whisked my dress off the floor and back onto my body. I was in the midst of tidying my hair when I heard Guy cry out, "IT WAS YOU!! YOU ATTACKED ME!"

Great, NOW he remembers. I had a pretty good idea what I was about to walk in on when I casually stepped out of my room. And of course, I was correct.

Both men were currently standing, facing one another, Guy with an object in his hands as a weapon of defense (was that my coffee mug?) and Manny standing the way he does when faced with an enemy he knows will attack. The description of which is just so: feet shoulder width apart, back straight, and arms crossed. An improper stance, really, but it works for him. He comes off as casual, as though he thinks his attacker doesn't have the guts to engage him, when, in fact, he knows perfectly well they have every intention, he just uses the time standing there, confusing his opponent while he observes their stance. This gives him the advantage.

When I realized they hadn't noticed my immersion, I cleared my throat. They turned their heads and Guy's jaw hit the floor. Of course, I don't mean literally. That would have been quite a sight, had that been the case. I absolutely enjoyed the attention though. And, being a master of my emotions, I hadn't given the slightest indication of conceit.

Manny turned his torso slightly to see my expression before he turned around. I suppose to adjust his reaction accordingly because his response was annoying. "You might redo your hair, Myss. Your head looks a little big."

He observed the slightest twinge of annoyance in my eyes when he addressed me as 'Myss' and could not (or, let's be honest, would not) conceal the swelling of joy from creeping to his face.

I was on the verge of retaliation when there was a knock at the door.

(To be continued... again.)

Dating Mystery (Continued... again.)

[WAIT! Have you read the first parts of this scatterbrained tale? No? Then before you progress, here's part one: Dating Mystery. Did you read that one? Fan-awesome-tastic! Here's part two: Dating Mystery (Continued...). When you're done reading that one, congratulations.]

I look down to what was supposed to be my date, sitting on the floor against a wall and who appeared to be passed out. I pushed Manny away. "And the crap continues to pile on!" I say throwing my hands up in frustration. "I've gotta say, he doesn't quite look your type, love. He's a bit... below-average looking." It was strange how delighted he seemed. I decided to ignore him for now and turned my attention to Guy. As I knelt down beside him to check to see if he was okay, I found that the back of his neck was slightly bruising.

I looked up at Manny in resentment, "Honestly, Manny... You could have at least tried to achieve subtlety." He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms, "I'm sure I don't know what you mean. This... man, seems just fine." He said this as if he were trying to persuade an idiot. I stand up, "Fine?" I asked. "He's unconscious. 'Fine' hardly defines his current condition." As I waited for his response his eyes darted away from mine and onto Guy. "You mean this isn't his usual state?" he smirked. I didn't say anything. I knew for a fact that he was guilty. He knew for a fact that I knew for a fact that he was guilty.

Looking down at Guy, I knew I needed to get him off the floor. I mean, I certainly didn't care for the man but, it would be a bit inhumane to just leave him outside my door looking like a dead man. Of course, I couldn't do it by myself or even in the clothes I had on.

I was about to ask Manny to bring him inside, although the expression on his face made me want to pour hot coffee down his pants. Surely that would wipe that poorly hidden smirk right off of his face. I glared at him instead, "You are the most infuriating person I have ever known." He began to laugh, "I seriously doubt that, love. You've had the pleasure of being acquainted with far worse." I rolled my eyes, walked into my room and shut the door. At the moment, I would have taken on any of those 'worse' people at the flip of a coin. Unfortunately, I didn't have a coin to flip and this was a card game, I had to play with what I was dealt.

I heard him a few steps outside the door. "This isn't a tantrum is it? I'd hate to think I was the cause of such unladylike behavior..." he said through the door. Unladylike behavior? I'd like to know how 'unladylike' he would consider a kick to the gonads. I didn't utter a single word as I changed into my 'manhandling' clothes. Since, of course, I was going to attempt to drag a grown man into my living room, I needed to wear something decent enough for the occasion.

When I finally emerged out of my bedroom I saw that Manny was dragging Guy out of the hallway. They were just inside the door when I crossed my arms and leaned against the door frame. "I suppose I didn't  need to change." I said with a roguish smile.

"Is that what you were doing in there?" He asked winded. Still trying to drag him across the floor he said, "I figured you were having some sort of a fit. So, I decided to be a bit more productive." The last word was a emphasized a bit due to him slinging Guy onto the couch. He saw me standing at my bedroom door with my arms crossed. I took the opportunity to ask, "Manny, why are you here?" I could tell he anticipated this question by the expression he made. Nevertheless, he hesitated. I pressed on, "Well...?" I asked. He looked me up and down, "I thought you were going out on a date... Your attire isn't appropriate for such a happening."

"Stop trying to change the subject. I'm supposed to be somewhere and you annihilated my date."

"I need a reason to look up an old flame?" He was trying to be charming... I wasn't 'charmed'. I gave him a look. He rolled his eyes and said, "Besides, from the looks of your 'date', you weren't going to have a very exciting night. As soon as I saw him, I knew I would be able to provide a much more eventful evening." He was smiling... and avoiding my question.

"Why are you here?" I persisted. 

He seemed as though he was actually going to answer me when Guy began to moan. Both of our eyes averted towards him. Manny was standing over him when he opened his eyes. "Ah... Good morning, sunshine. Decided to join the living, did we?"

(To be continued...)

Dating Mystery (Continued...)

Before you continue, make sure you know about the first part:  http://thisladyofmystery.blogspot.com/2012/06/dating-mystery.html

"Crap..." I let out a loud grunt, slammed the door, and walked away. Abruptly, I heard him open the door behind me and calmly walk in. Of all the days to show that smirk on his face, it had to be TODAY! Angrily, but gracefully, I strolled to the kitchen to pour myself some coffee.

"That's not Irish, is it? I'd hate to think you took up drinking after all that time without me." I could hear the condescension in his tone, and I passionately desired to strangle it into submission. "Of course not, Manny. There's only one of us who likes to partake in such pleasantries, and you made that VERY clear the last time we were in each others company." I said as I put the mug to my lips. I could feel him staring at my back, probably trying to think of something more clever to say. It didn't take long.

"Oh, I remember every detail of that day. I may have been drunk, but, I wasn't the one acting crazy." I slammed my mug on the counter and turned in frustration only to find him leaning effortlessly on the refrigerator door. "You don't know anything about that day, you were drunk. And, I resent your implication of my sanity, I am the most sane person you know! My behavior back then was due to pure circumstance, I am not crazy!" I felt like I was going to blow a vein in my forehead, I was so angry. He, on the other hand, was smiling. SMILING. I felt foolish as I waited for some sort of 
response, which, of course, is what he wanted. "My love, I never implied that you were crazy, merely that you were acting crazy."

He was right. The subtle realization must have shown on my face because, he continued, "By the way, you look good in a kitchen," he took a few steps toward me, my anger boiling at his remark, "Especially, dressed like that." Then, I suddenly remembered what my plans were. "Yes, well, I'm not dressed like this for you or the stupid kitchen. I have a date and he should be here any minute. So, you should leave." I quickly walked toward the entrance of my abode, when he started talking again. "This date of yours, does he have a name?" Psh. If he thinks he's going to learn anything about tonight, he's dead wrong. I opened the door,"His name doesn't concern you." I gestured for him to leave, but, he hesitated at the entrance and put his hand on the wall behind me. "At least tell me what this guy looks like. I need to know my competition." If I were going to get Manny out of here, I'd have to lie. Telling him what Guy actually looked like would coax him into staying longer, which would inevitably end up with us on a second date. I most definitely did not want that.

"He's tall," not as tall as Manny, but taller than me, "with dark hair, and we work on the same floor at the office." which is true, but he works for pest control. "Now, will you leave?" He looked into my eyes and gave a devilish smile. "One more question, Love," he looked down at the base of the doorway and I followed his gaze...

"Is that him?"


(To be continued...)

Dating Mystery

As I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but wonder why I was here. The last date I had was many years ago. I'm not even sure why I agreed to this one. Well, I KNEW why... This guy at the office, Guy, had been asking me out for a while and I never wanted to say yes, when all of a sudden, he started stalking me.

He wasn't very discreet about it either. Anyway, Guy found and killed a nest of opossums inconveniently living in my refrigerator. Then one thing led to another, and I agreed to go on a date with him if he stopped breaking into my house to plant rabid and/or otherwise dangerous animals in my kitchen appliances. There was a contract, no loopholes, he signed it.

My point is, it's been a while and there's a reason for that.

A long time ago, there was this man, Manny. We met when our boss partnered us up on a mission to catch some guy in Germany who was killing a bunch of Jewish people. At first, I didn't like him and he didn't like me. He thought I was an incompetent woman who belonged in a kitchen cooking my husband a meal and making babies for him to belittle. I thought he was a simple-minded bullet brain who deserved nothing less than getting shot in the war so that his family would think he was a hero, even though it was friendly fire from a group of men who couldn't stand being around him anymore. We argued with each other more than a room full of men fighting over the last slice of pizza. The disagreements we had would have put cats and dogs to shame.

Then, something happened. Manny and I got comfortable around each other. We had jokes no one else understood, moments where we would open up to one another, and the disagreements we had became laughable. We actually began to enjoy one another's company. As we neared the end of our mission, we confessed our feelings for each other. We worked so well together that, after we finished our mission, we decided to become a permanent team.

Manny and I never went on an actual date until the end of our eleventh mission as a team. I won't say exactly what happened, but, I will say that we never saw each other again after that night. It was literally the worst date I had ever been on and until now, the last.

I heard the door bell ring, walked out of the bathroom and to the door.
But, it wasn't my date on the other side.

(To be continued...)

The Wedding is Not a Wedding.

"Does this make me look fat?" Toshlin said as she looked in the mirror. She was trying on dresses for a wedding I was told we were invited to. At the moment she was sporting a dark grey club dress, seemingly meant for a thinner, more confident girl. To be completely truthful she looked like a slutty hippo.

"Toshlin, the situations you put yourself in make me believe you actually like being insulted." I said, less than enthusiastically. As I looked away from her disappointed face, I noticed that she chose mostly clubbing dresses for the both of us. I stood up and went through each dress coming to the conclusion that, in fact, each dress was intended for a night out on the town. This was either a horribly provocative wedding, Toshlin's poor judgement in wedding attire, or something else...

"My dear half-sister... It seems as though you're trying to bamboozle me." I said in an insinuating tone. I observed her movements carefully to take in her reaction piece by piece. It wasn't very often when she would pull one over on me. When she did...who am I kidding? She never has.

I usually know when she's hiding something and as soon as she flared her nostrils and began to flatulate, I knew. "Why whatever do you mean?" she asked. It began to smell horrid.

"Toshlin..." I said as though scolding a child. "We aren't going to a wedding, are we?" Her nostrils were turning white from the amount of pressure her face muscles were putting on them. "We are definitely going to a wedding." she said gleefully.

When she began to snort with every breath, like a gorilla in a bad mood, I was positive she was hiding something.

"Calm down! Straighten yourself up and act like a lady. For goodness sake, Toshlin. I'm not interrogating you. There's no need to go on the defense and gas up the place with the demeanor of an overgrown ape." Although, I was interrogating her, I needed the poor girl to find serenity soon, or we'd be escorted out for bringing in a human monkey.

"I'm sorry." She ceased her brutish behavior and took a reasoning tone. "The thing is, we are going to wedding." She confessed. "But, I figured you wouldn't want to go, but, if  you did, it would be one you'd want to crash."

'A wedding I wouldn't want to go to? One I'd want to crash?' I must have had an irritated look about my face because it drove her into complete confession.

"Dad's getting married!"

I was stunned! Speechless! How could Toshlin be so stupid? This so called 'wedding' is most definitely a trap!

"It's not a trap. He's marrying my mother." she explained.

Poor girl, she's blinded by her mother's happiness.