[WAIT! Have you read the first parts of this scatterbrained tale? No? Then before you progress, here's part one: Dating Mystery. Did you read that one? Fan-awesome-tastic! Here's part two: Dating Mystery (Continued...). When you're done reading that one, congratulations.]
I look down to what was supposed to be my date, sitting on the floor against a wall and who appeared to be passed out. I pushed Manny away. "And the crap continues to pile on!" I say throwing my hands up in frustration. "I've gotta say, he doesn't quite look your type, love. He's a bit... below-average looking." It was strange how delighted he seemed. I decided to ignore him for now and turned my attention to Guy. As I knelt down beside him to check to see if he was okay, I found that the back of his neck was slightly bruising.
I looked up at Manny in resentment, "Honestly, Manny... You could have at least tried to achieve subtlety." He leaned against the door frame and crossed his arms, "I'm sure I don't know what you mean. This... man, seems just fine." He said this as if he were trying to persuade an idiot. I stand up, "Fine?" I asked. "He's unconscious. 'Fine' hardly defines his current condition." As I waited for his response his eyes darted away from mine and onto Guy. "You mean this isn't his usual state?" he smirked. I didn't say anything. I knew for a fact that he was guilty. He knew for a fact that I knew for a fact that he was guilty.
Looking down at Guy, I knew I needed to get him off the floor. I mean, I certainly didn't care for the man but, it would be a bit inhumane to just leave him outside my door looking like a dead man. Of course, I couldn't do it by myself or even in the clothes I had on.
I was about to ask Manny to bring him inside, although the expression on his face made me want to pour hot coffee down his pants. Surely that would wipe that poorly hidden smirk right off of his face. I glared at him instead, "You are the most infuriating person I have ever known." He began to laugh, "I seriously doubt that, love. You've had the pleasure of being acquainted with far worse." I rolled my eyes, walked into my room and shut the door. At the moment, I would have taken on any of those 'worse' people at the flip of a coin. Unfortunately, I didn't have a coin to flip and this was a card game, I had to play with what I was dealt.
I heard him a few steps outside the door. "This isn't a tantrum is it? I'd hate to think I was the cause of such unladylike behavior..." he said through the door. Unladylike behavior? I'd like to know how 'unladylike' he would consider a kick to the gonads. I didn't utter a single word as I changed into my 'manhandling' clothes. Since, of course, I was going to attempt to drag a grown man into my living room, I needed to wear something decent enough for the occasion.
When I finally emerged out of my bedroom I saw that Manny was dragging Guy out of the hallway. They were just inside the door when I crossed my arms and leaned against the door frame. "I suppose I didn't need to change." I said with a roguish smile.
"Is that what you were doing in there?" He asked winded. Still trying to drag him across the floor he said, "I figured you were having some sort of a fit. So, I decided to be a bit more productive." The last word was a emphasized a bit due to him slinging Guy onto the couch. He saw me standing at my bedroom door with my arms crossed. I took the opportunity to ask, "Manny, why are you here?" I could tell he anticipated this question by the expression he made. Nevertheless, he hesitated. I pressed on, "Well...?" I asked. He looked me up and down, "I thought you were going out on a date... Your attire isn't appropriate for such a happening."
"Stop trying to change the subject. I'm supposed to be somewhere and you annihilated my date."
"I need a reason to look up an old flame?" He was trying to be charming... I wasn't 'charmed'. I gave him a look. He rolled his eyes and said, "Besides, from the looks of your 'date', you weren't going to have a very exciting night. As soon as I saw him, I knew I would be able to provide a much more eventful evening." He was smiling... and avoiding my question.
"Why are you here?" I persisted.
He seemed as though he was actually going to answer me when Guy began to moan. Both of our eyes averted towards him. Manny was standing over him when he opened his eyes. "Ah... Good morning, sunshine. Decided to join the living, did we?"
(To be continued...)
Monday, January 14, 2013
Monday, December 31, 2012
Dating Mystery (Continued...)
Before you continue, make sure you know about the first part: http://thisladyofmystery.blogspot.com/2012/06/dating-mystery.html
"Crap..." I let out a loud grunt, slammed the door, and walked away. Abruptly, I heard him open the door behind me and calmly walk in. Of all the days to show that smirk on his face, it had to be TODAY! Angrily, but gracefully, I strolled to the kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
"That's not Irish, is it? I'd hate to think you took up drinking after all that time without me." I could hear the condescension in his tone, and I passionately desired to strangle it into submission. "Of course not, Manny. There's only one of us who likes to partake in such pleasantries, and you made that VERY clear the last time we were in each others company." I said as I put the mug to my lips. I could feel him staring at my back, probably trying to think of something more clever to say. It didn't take long.
"Oh, I remember every detail of that day. I may have been drunk, but, I wasn't the one acting crazy." I slammed my mug on the counter and turned in frustration only to find him leaning effortlessly on the refrigerator door. "You don't know anything about that day, you were drunk. And, I resent your implication of my sanity, I am the most sane person you know! My behavior back then was due to pure circumstance, I am not crazy!" I felt like I was going to blow a vein in my forehead, I was so angry. He, on the other hand, was smiling. SMILING. I felt foolish as I waited for some sort of
response, which, of course, is what he wanted. "My love, I never implied that you were crazy, merely that you were acting crazy."
He was right. The subtle realization must have shown on my face because, he continued, "By the way, you look good in a kitchen," he took a few steps toward me, my anger boiling at his remark, "Especially, dressed like that." Then, I suddenly remembered what my plans were. "Yes, well, I'm not dressed like this for you or the stupid kitchen. I have a date and he should be here any minute. So, you should leave." I quickly walked toward the entrance of my abode, when he started talking again. "This date of yours, does he have a name?" Psh. If he thinks he's going to learn anything about tonight, he's dead wrong. I opened the door,"His name doesn't concern you." I gestured for him to leave, but, he hesitated at the entrance and put his hand on the wall behind me. "At least tell me what this guy looks like. I need to know my competition." If I were going to get Manny out of here, I'd have to lie. Telling him what Guy actually looked like would coax him into staying longer, which would inevitably end up with us on a second date. I most definitely did not want that.
"He's tall," not as tall as Manny, but taller than me, "with dark hair, and we work on the same floor at the office." which is true, but he works for pest control. "Now, will you leave?" He looked into my eyes and gave a devilish smile. "One more question, Love," he looked down at the base of the doorway and I followed his gaze...
"Is that him?"
(To be continued...)
"Crap..." I let out a loud grunt, slammed the door, and walked away. Abruptly, I heard him open the door behind me and calmly walk in. Of all the days to show that smirk on his face, it had to be TODAY! Angrily, but gracefully, I strolled to the kitchen to pour myself some coffee.
"That's not Irish, is it? I'd hate to think you took up drinking after all that time without me." I could hear the condescension in his tone, and I passionately desired to strangle it into submission. "Of course not, Manny. There's only one of us who likes to partake in such pleasantries, and you made that VERY clear the last time we were in each others company." I said as I put the mug to my lips. I could feel him staring at my back, probably trying to think of something more clever to say. It didn't take long.
"Oh, I remember every detail of that day. I may have been drunk, but, I wasn't the one acting crazy." I slammed my mug on the counter and turned in frustration only to find him leaning effortlessly on the refrigerator door. "You don't know anything about that day, you were drunk. And, I resent your implication of my sanity, I am the most sane person you know! My behavior back then was due to pure circumstance, I am not crazy!" I felt like I was going to blow a vein in my forehead, I was so angry. He, on the other hand, was smiling. SMILING. I felt foolish as I waited for some sort of
response, which, of course, is what he wanted. "My love, I never implied that you were crazy, merely that you were acting crazy."
He was right. The subtle realization must have shown on my face because, he continued, "By the way, you look good in a kitchen," he took a few steps toward me, my anger boiling at his remark, "Especially, dressed like that." Then, I suddenly remembered what my plans were. "Yes, well, I'm not dressed like this for you or the stupid kitchen. I have a date and he should be here any minute. So, you should leave." I quickly walked toward the entrance of my abode, when he started talking again. "This date of yours, does he have a name?" Psh. If he thinks he's going to learn anything about tonight, he's dead wrong. I opened the door,"His name doesn't concern you." I gestured for him to leave, but, he hesitated at the entrance and put his hand on the wall behind me. "At least tell me what this guy looks like. I need to know my competition." If I were going to get Manny out of here, I'd have to lie. Telling him what Guy actually looked like would coax him into staying longer, which would inevitably end up with us on a second date. I most definitely did not want that.
"He's tall," not as tall as Manny, but taller than me, "with dark hair, and we work on the same floor at the office." which is true, but he works for pest control. "Now, will you leave?" He looked into my eyes and gave a devilish smile. "One more question, Love," he looked down at the base of the doorway and I followed his gaze...
"Is that him?"
(To be continued...)
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Dating Mystery
As I looked at myself in the mirror, I couldn't help but wonder why I was here. The last date I had was many years ago. I'm not even sure why I agreed to this one. Well, I KNEW why... This guy at the office, Guy, had been asking me out for a while and I never wanted to say yes, when all of a sudden, he started stalking me.
He wasn't very discreet about it either. Anyway, Guy found and killed a nest of opossums inconveniently living in my refrigerator. Then one thing led to another, and I agreed to go on a date with him if he stopped breaking into my house to plant rabid and/or otherwise dangerous animals in my kitchen appliances. There was a contract, no loopholes, he signed it.
My point is, it's been a while and there's a reason for that.
A long time ago, there was this man, Manny. We met when our boss partnered us up on a mission to catch some guy in Germany who was killing a bunch of Jewish people. At first, I didn't like him and he didn't like me. He thought I was an incompetent woman who belonged in a kitchen cooking my husband a meal and making babies for him to belittle. I thought he was a simple-minded bullet brain who deserved nothing less than getting shot in the war so that his family would think he was a hero, even though it was friendly fire from a group of men who couldn't stand being around him anymore. We argued with each other more than a room full of men fighting over the last slice of pizza. The disagreements we had would have put cats and dogs to shame.
Then, something happened. Manny and I got comfortable around each other. We had jokes no one else understood, moments where we would open up to one another, and the disagreements we had became laughable. We actually began to enjoy one another's company. As we neared the end of our mission, we confessed our feelings for each other. We worked so well together that, after we finished our mission, we decided to become a permanent team.
Manny and I never went on an actual date until the end of our eleventh mission as a team. I won't say exactly what happened, but, I will say that we never saw each other again after that night. It was literally the worst date I had ever been on and until now, the last.
I heard the door bell ring, walked out of the bathroom and to the door.
But, it wasn't my date on the other side.
(To be continued...)
He wasn't very discreet about it either. Anyway, Guy found and killed a nest of opossums inconveniently living in my refrigerator. Then one thing led to another, and I agreed to go on a date with him if he stopped breaking into my house to plant rabid and/or otherwise dangerous animals in my kitchen appliances. There was a contract, no loopholes, he signed it.
My point is, it's been a while and there's a reason for that.
A long time ago, there was this man, Manny. We met when our boss partnered us up on a mission to catch some guy in Germany who was killing a bunch of Jewish people. At first, I didn't like him and he didn't like me. He thought I was an incompetent woman who belonged in a kitchen cooking my husband a meal and making babies for him to belittle. I thought he was a simple-minded bullet brain who deserved nothing less than getting shot in the war so that his family would think he was a hero, even though it was friendly fire from a group of men who couldn't stand being around him anymore. We argued with each other more than a room full of men fighting over the last slice of pizza. The disagreements we had would have put cats and dogs to shame.
Then, something happened. Manny and I got comfortable around each other. We had jokes no one else understood, moments where we would open up to one another, and the disagreements we had became laughable. We actually began to enjoy one another's company. As we neared the end of our mission, we confessed our feelings for each other. We worked so well together that, after we finished our mission, we decided to become a permanent team.
Manny and I never went on an actual date until the end of our eleventh mission as a team. I won't say exactly what happened, but, I will say that we never saw each other again after that night. It was literally the worst date I had ever been on and until now, the last.
I heard the door bell ring, walked out of the bathroom and to the door.
But, it wasn't my date on the other side.
(To be continued...)
Friday, June 8, 2012
The Wedding is Not a Wedding.
"Does this make me look fat?" Toshlin said as she looked in the mirror. She was trying on dresses for a wedding I was told we were invited to. At the moment she was sporting a dark grey club dress, seemingly meant for a thinner, more confident girl. To be completely truthful she looked like a slutty hippo.
"Toshlin, the situations you put yourself in make me believe you actually like being insulted." I said, less than enthusiastically. As I looked away from her disappointed face, I noticed that she chose mostly clubbing dresses for the both of us. I stood up and went through each dress coming to the conclusion that, in fact, each dress was intended for a night out on the town. This was either a horribly provocative wedding, Toshlin's poor judgement in wedding attire, or something else...
"My dear half-sister... It seems as though you're trying to bamboozle me." I said in an insinuating tone. I observed her movements carefully to take in her reaction piece by piece. It wasn't very often when she would pull one over on me. When she did...who am I kidding? She never has.
I usually know when she's hiding something and as soon as she flared her nostrils and began to flatulate, I knew. "Why whatever do you mean?" she asked. It began to smell horrid.
"Toshlin..." I said as though scolding a child. "We aren't going to a wedding, are we?" Her nostrils were turning white from the amount of pressure her face muscles were putting on them. "We are definitely going to a wedding." she said gleefully.
When she began to snort with every breath, like a gorilla in a bad mood, I was positive she was hiding something.
"I'm sorry." She ceased her brutish behavior and took a reasoning tone. "The thing is, we are going to wedding." She confessed. "But, I figured you wouldn't want to go, but, if you did, it would be one you'd want to crash."
'A wedding I wouldn't want to go to? One I'd want to crash?' I must have had an irritated look about my face because it drove her into complete confession.
"Dad's getting married!"
I was stunned! Speechless! How could Toshlin be so stupid? This so called 'wedding' is most definitely a trap!
"It's not a trap. He's marrying my mother." she explained.
Poor girl, she's blinded by her mother's happiness.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Finally (continued...)
She was hugging me. I don't hug. I shrugged out of her embrace politely and asked, "I have a twin?"
"Correction, sister, I have a twin!" she said.
What was her game? She seemed a little too...peppy to be a part of my family.
"Is this a trick?" I asked. Maybe I was captured by my father once again. If that were the case, relief would sweep over my body and I would be able to talk Sicarius down from what ever plans he had for me.
Her expression became quizzical. "Trick? I don't understand..."
It was confirmed. This was not a trick. If I were in captivity, I wouldn't have gotten a hair-brained answer.
"I'm so glad I found you!" she exclaimed.
"Yes, of course you are."
I looked around the coffee house. People were staring. I could see an over-weight man in the corner looking over his newspaper, with a jelly donut in his hand. I knew it was a jelly donut by the ooze that was smeared down his cheek. I shot him a look and he quickly adjusted himself and continued reading his articles.
"We should sit down.." I said, as I motioned to my booth. She looked at the booth and saw my coffee mug.
"Great! Then we can tell each other all about our lives!"
"Great.." I said with little enthusiasm. We sat down and she continued to drone on and on about her life..How she graduated top of her class and went to Harvard, how she started her own practice and ended up saving a ghetto town from destroying itself, and how when she wakes up each morning and looks herself in the mirror she's proud to say she's done something special with her life and continues to do so through the zoo she bought a couple of years ago and can now talk to monkeys. Then, she went on about how the monkeys she talks to have become so advanced that they might be able to replace soldiers in Afghanistan.
How could anyone acknowledge her life as appealing? She's a lawyer. Those type of people despise what I do, and I despise them. She doesn't commit crimes, she doesn't physically fight it, and she talks to monkeys. How pointless.. You don't send a monkey to do a man's job! That's what women are for!
Then she went into her personal life...I don't think I should mention much about that...
After she finished talking, I took in the sounds of Tre Cafe. How comforting it was to hear the music in the background, the dinging of the bell at the entrance and the sound of espresso machines brewing their contents.
"So, what do you do?" she asked. My meditation was broken.
"I don't talk to monkeys." I said. This should have been a satisfactory answer. But, she pressed on.
"Seriously," she said. "I've told you all about my life. I want to hear everything about yours!"
"Yes," I said. "You definitely told me a lot. And that part about you successfully delivering eleven babies from six different women, all at one time, was fascinating, to say the least."
"THAT was a great day!" she said smiling.
"Yes...but, I don't speak of the things I do. Especially to your kind."
"My kind?" she said in confusion.
"Yes," I said, "You and 'your kind' don't exactly approve of the things that I do. We're pretty much hot-wired to hate each other." I waited. She has to figure this out.
"I don't understand...I'm just a lawyer. The only 'mortal' enemies we have are the..." She stopped.
She stared at me for a while. I guess she was trying to figure it out. Then, a look of pure realization came over her. She slid out of the booth, stood up and faced me. She put her finger up, hesitated, turned and started walking away. I smiled.
That was all I had to do? I was so relieved that she was leaving, I didn't notice her walking back.
"We're sisters!" she said, "I at least need to know your name! The only way I found you was through our mother."
Our mother? I shot a look at her and she took a step back, as if I were going to attack her.
"What? You found Delorcita?" I was flabber-ghasted! I had been searching for my mother for years. And a lawyer finds her?
"Found her? I live with her. I found some legal documents, with my name on them, hidden in a box she keeps under her bed. I didn't think anything of them until I observed that right next to my name was the words 'and identical twin sister.' When I asked mother about it she only said so much about you and fell silent for the rest of the evening. But, I really just want to know your name." She looked at me as if I were a puzzle she was trying to put together. The same look I imagine I had most of the night.
"She didn't tell you?"I asked as I took a sip of my coffee. It was getting cold and I cringed a bit.
"Tell me what?"
"Dear sister, I have no name."
And with that, she left. But, before she did, she gave me her name and said that if I ever needed anything or had any questions from her kind, just to look her up. She told me that I could trust her. Trust her? I don't think I could trust someone with a name like "Jaxynda Benscum".
I looked around the coffee house. People were staring. I could see an over-weight man in the corner looking over his newspaper, with a jelly donut in his hand. I knew it was a jelly donut by the ooze that was smeared down his cheek. I shot him a look and he quickly adjusted himself and continued reading his articles.
"We should sit down.." I said, as I motioned to my booth. She looked at the booth and saw my coffee mug.
"Great! Then we can tell each other all about our lives!"
"Great.." I said with little enthusiasm. We sat down and she continued to drone on and on about her life..How she graduated top of her class and went to Harvard, how she started her own practice and ended up saving a ghetto town from destroying itself, and how when she wakes up each morning and looks herself in the mirror she's proud to say she's done something special with her life and continues to do so through the zoo she bought a couple of years ago and can now talk to monkeys. Then, she went on about how the monkeys she talks to have become so advanced that they might be able to replace soldiers in Afghanistan.
How could anyone acknowledge her life as appealing? She's a lawyer. Those type of people despise what I do, and I despise them. She doesn't commit crimes, she doesn't physically fight it, and she talks to monkeys. How pointless.. You don't send a monkey to do a man's job! That's what women are for!
Then she went into her personal life...I don't think I should mention much about that...
After she finished talking, I took in the sounds of Tre Cafe. How comforting it was to hear the music in the background, the dinging of the bell at the entrance and the sound of espresso machines brewing their contents.
"So, what do you do?" she asked. My meditation was broken.
"I don't talk to monkeys." I said. This should have been a satisfactory answer. But, she pressed on.
"Seriously," she said. "I've told you all about my life. I want to hear everything about yours!"
"Yes," I said. "You definitely told me a lot. And that part about you successfully delivering eleven babies from six different women, all at one time, was fascinating, to say the least."
"THAT was a great day!" she said smiling.
"Yes...but, I don't speak of the things I do. Especially to your kind."
"My kind?" she said in confusion.
"Yes," I said, "You and 'your kind' don't exactly approve of the things that I do. We're pretty much hot-wired to hate each other." I waited. She has to figure this out.
"I don't understand...I'm just a lawyer. The only 'mortal' enemies we have are the..." She stopped.
She stared at me for a while. I guess she was trying to figure it out. Then, a look of pure realization came over her. She slid out of the booth, stood up and faced me. She put her finger up, hesitated, turned and started walking away. I smiled.
That was all I had to do? I was so relieved that she was leaving, I didn't notice her walking back.
"We're sisters!" she said, "I at least need to know your name! The only way I found you was through our mother."
Our mother? I shot a look at her and she took a step back, as if I were going to attack her.
"What? You found Delorcita?" I was flabber-ghasted! I had been searching for my mother for years. And a lawyer finds her?
"Found her? I live with her. I found some legal documents, with my name on them, hidden in a box she keeps under her bed. I didn't think anything of them until I observed that right next to my name was the words 'and identical twin sister.' When I asked mother about it she only said so much about you and fell silent for the rest of the evening. But, I really just want to know your name." She looked at me as if I were a puzzle she was trying to put together. The same look I imagine I had most of the night.
"She didn't tell you?"I asked as I took a sip of my coffee. It was getting cold and I cringed a bit.
"Tell me what?"
"Dear sister, I have no name."
And with that, she left. But, before she did, she gave me her name and said that if I ever needed anything or had any questions from her kind, just to look her up. She told me that I could trust her. Trust her? I don't think I could trust someone with a name like "Jaxynda Benscum".
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